not feeling too great

Hello blog. I made a mistake and went on ome.tv yesterday. It was one of the worse experiences. If you don’t know what ome.tv is, it’s the new version of Omegle. If you don’t know what Omegle is, it was a website where you chat with random people around the world. It shut down for all expected reasons. I’ll first start with what inspired me: I watched some youtube videos of girls going on ome.tv and meeting new people. I thought it looked fun, so I said, hey let’s do it because I’m always gonna be curious about it. I was super scared someone was gonna call me a slur or ugly or something. That should have been my first warning sign that I should probably not go on this app. But I did. The first one was fine. It was the middle eastern guy explaining to me timezones and that in Kenya, they call Americans mzugs becasue they wear a lot of bronzer. He was fine, but this guy asked for my Instagram, so I skipped him. I skipped a lot of people because I was scared. I landed on this black guy who said “you look so f***ing lame.” While this hurt, I realized that no one on the internet knows me. This guy was just saying whatever to whoever, probably because he wasn’t the best looking either. Insecurity speaks for itself. Anyway, never going on that website again. I’m glad I did it because, as I said, I was always curious about it but too scared. Now I know it’s truly the terrible place everyone says it is.

Confidence
I realized that half of the reason I am able to leave my room is that I have confidence. I didn’t know that was it until today I woke up with a new insecurity of looking lame (thanks, guy). Of course, this snowballed into looking into my body even more and noticing everything a little bit wrong with my clothes. This has nothing to do with that guy though. I’ve already spoken about this phenomenon of body image here before, but the thing I’ve realized is that it never goes away. You can choose to put yourself in certain positions that reduce the noise of it, but it’s always there somehow. Sometimes you don’t notice it, and sometimes it’s made super obvious. Hence, to solve this issue, I’m gonna out myself in more positions where I don’t notice it as much such as hanging out with people, listening to audiobooks, writing, reading, walking without music. Another thing is that the physical place matters. My dorm really makes just want to watch Youtube and Instagram.

I have nothing else to say. I feel so terrible right now. Sometimes I hate myself, and today is one of those days. I feel disgusted by myself. I need to do some positive talk or something. Maybe I need to stop going on social media to compare myself to others and drinking so much coke zero… Life is tough. じゃね