what’s goin on right now.

sup, blog. i have a few things on my mind actually.

few things on my mind
one being how much my thoughts have changed since being back from Japan. When I came back to the US, one of the first things I noticed is how stressed and aware everyone seemed. now, I fear I am in a similar situation. I am hyper-aware. In Japan, it felt as if there were less stakes in my actions; I screwed up my Starbucks order? oh well, I’ll just try again tomorrow. I walked around with my zipper down? no one cares anyway. I told my teacher I want to marry her accidentally (true story)? haha, that’s a silly story. but now it feels like if I mess up, I’m going to be burned at the stakes. in fact, i’ve become more scared to talk to people in the case that I’m going to say something embarrassing and I’ll end up sitting in the windowsill of some lighthouse, staring out at the grey sky thinking of this regretful moment forever like a widow, but it’s not my husband who died; it was my ego (this is the most poetic sentence i’ve ever written. feel free to text me how this sentence affected your life.) maybe it’s because i’m around my family more and I care about their opinion more than my own? maybe it’s because i’ve generally become more fearful of things? idk. i’ll figure it out.

the next thing on my mind is the posting schedule for this tab. genuinely blog, i don’t know if i will be able to do everyday because of how volatile my situation is. in Japan, i had a consistent schedule which made things more manageable. now, I don’t know where I’m going to end up the next second. it’s difficult for sure, but I will try to post everyday. :D

lastly, I’m thinking about how scared I am. i was scared to get a job. i’m scared to meet new people. i’m scared of getting older. i am scared of who i might become. i am generally a fearful person. that’s kinda who i’ve been for most of my life. the thing that I’m failing to realize is that I am continually choosing to uphold this narrative of being a fearful, shy person simply because i’m familiar with it. maybe that’s ok. but maybe it’s not because i might want to be a different person at some point in my life. none of this makes sense, does it? UUUUUGGGGGHHHH whyyyyyyyy do i have to be so young and silly….

boys in the yard?
blog: In Rittenhouse square, I met some guy today who made coin bags, jewelry, and mixtapes. we started talking about his art and he showed me his photoshoot where he was posing as a samurai. apparently, he knows how to use a katana and he told me he slices fruits for fun like in fruit ninja. he was cool. at some point, he whispered to me “i sell mushrooms, like psilocybin.” I was pretty chill about it because this was not the first time in Philly that someone has told us of their mushroom business. he told me he we could smoke together as he shows me the various utilizable herbs around the park and go to his open mics. then, he asked for my instagram. i sort of felt awkward giving this guy my instagram since i don’t want to lead people on. like, this other guy that i met yesterday from the farmers market sent me a pdf file about astral projection since I’ve been wanting to know about it. i texted him back “thanks” today, and he asked me what me and my aunt were doing. i don’t really want to text him back since i don’t want to give these guys the impression that i…. hmm… frankly, that i like them romantically. of course, if they were women i’d be okay with it since i know it’s probably friendly… but they kinda gave off the vibe that they wanted to go on a date with me. i might be delusional, silly, overconfident, but I always get this gross feeling inside of me when they seem a little too interested in me. i don’t know, but I have to trust my instincts.

okay blog. i have been addicted to playing this game, “Fields of Mystria,” so i think i’m gonna get ready for bed then play that for a second. i’m extremely surprised by the amount of energy I have seeing that i’d only gotten 4 hours of sleep last night. how Japanese. thank you for being here. bye.