emo stuff kinda
2026.08.24
Blog, as the days grow closer to my arrival in the midwest from Philly, the top of my scalp feels like it’s being twisted and it’s sort of painful. I’m feeling stressed out, and maybe that’s just life?
WHY AM I BLOGGING ANYMORE?
When I began this blog, it was for my family to check up on me when I was in Osaka. But now since I’m around my family a lot, is’s evolved into a more accessible way to communicate my inner feelings and thoughts. It’s very difficult for me to express with my physical voice. Even when I was a child, I would never speak. Writing is so much easier; it’s less embarrassing if you start crying. there’s more autonomy over whether or not you accept the judgement of others.
I was thinking about this since I’ve been back because it’s sort of awkward for my family to read my blog and then see me the next second. It seems redundant when I can just tell them about my day IRL. But, for the reasons in the above paragraph + wanting to document my life + i enjoy it, I will continue blogging despite the initial motive unnecessary.
EMBRACING MY MIDWEST EMO TIME
I feel… sad? I feel crazy? Do you ever feel like death is just around every corner? I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like I’m in a huge concrete room filled with water and darkness. It smells like that. I feel like I’m becoming such an abstract writer now.
Actually, I’m writing this way because I’m sort of confused in life. I feel like taking out my rage on people who didn’t actually do anything to me. They just remind me of things I don’t like about myself. I feel angry at random people for just existing. I feel ashamed of myself for literally anything I do. It’s not a fun time.
I am constantly choosing and learning from consequences. I am choosing to learn from those consequences. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh i’m so sorry blog this is silly. I feel stuck. In these times of slight insanity, it’s best to talk to somebody. But also biking/walking (WITHOUT MUSIC) is a nice respite.
Today, my aunties and I watched the new Spiderman. I forgot it’s full name, but just know it’s the 2026 one. The part that sort of struck me was the part where they were talking about being special. I am a very special person. I think this year is the most I’ve despised my specialness because I feel so left out and I can’t change these parts of myself. I am a 19 year old blasian girl raised in the whitest suburb who has no friends, was homeschooled and a cableman, and writes in a blog. I feel so alone. Especially right now in this park I’m sitting in where EVERYONE has someone else to sit next to. I’d be lying if I said I weren’t jealous. But, I put myself in these situations. As I said, I am constantly deciding. You are constantly deciding. We choose the easiest option most of the time. Blog, every present moment, every option is available to you. It is available to me. What am i saying at this point? Idk. I never know. Ughhhhh.
Wait… I do know where I want to go. I want to make my demon apocalypse universe. I want to live with my brother. I want to play games with my family. I want to be a clown. I want to fix my eating habits. I want to bike. I want to get a job. I want to have a friend. I want to work on my farm in Fields of Mistria. I want to FREAKING LIVE!!!! You know what? SCREW this feeling of wanting someone to pity me. THIS IS MY LIFE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Where do I start first? I’m gonna bike!
snacks, oh snacks.
Blog, I’ve been wanting to habitualize eating normal-sized three meals, without snacks. From the age of 14-19, I’ve counted my calories but this has caused me to focus more on numbers than my actual body. My body doesn’t feel too nourished when I eat snacks. Though, today, because I was tired and watching so much RuPaul’s drag race, I just wanted to chow down on soup curry, fries, banana bread and peanut butter, and Lance’s peanut butter and cheese crackers. I feel quite queasy now. I’ve learned I probably shouldn’t eat 5 things in one meal lel. It was kinda fun though. It’s always fun to binge on food, but not fun afterwards with the physical + mental damage it causes. yuck.
Ok. I’m done blogging today. I’m still trying to get back in the motion, so I’m sure some parts don’t make sense. I just know I'm gonna cringe at this post in the future. I’m working on it. trust.
Thanks so so so so so much for being here. bye.