house of dread
2026.08.30
hello blog. sorry for my absence for the past couple of days. seriously a lot has happened.
house of dread.
I am currently sitting in a house filled with six unkept dogs alongside their dried pee, poop, puke, and mud embedded in the second-floor carpet and first-floor vinyl. Everywhere, there is dust that attacks me and my brother’s lungs. The kitchen fridge is filled with rotting and/or molding leftovers no one will eat. It’s mysteriously itchy whenever your skin contacts the furniture. The whole place smells like how you’d imagine a habitat for six freaking dogs to smell. It’s disgusting.
This is an aspect of my character that I don’t talk about much because I don’t think my brain wants to remember it, but this is the house that I was raised in. I remember feeling so gross all the time, so much so that I wouldn’t shower for weeks until my mother forced me to, or my hair began to dread. I also remember feeling just so, so anxious and it was kinda normalized? Like, my step dad would open my door at four in the morning to let all the dogs in (I still don’t know why he did this), but they’d just trample me and smear mud over my blankets. At seven, my mom would be screaming my name from across the house to make her breakfast. I’d be biting my nails, waiting for the next reason my parents found to discipline me. I’ve never been in the military, but it literally felt like boot camp. It was not a fun time being a child under this roof, no no. I’m very glad and proud of the person I’ve become outside of this house for the past year and a half, but god is it hard to be brave and positive in this place. There’s literally a dying blind and deaf nineteen-year-old dog roaming around not being properly cared for and as much as I know it’s morally wrong and karmically terrible, I don’t want to take care of him either. I think he’d live a better life being put down at this point and maybe that’s cowardly for me to say. That’s how I feel right now: a coward.
It is interesting how environment-based habits kick in as soon as you enter said environment. Currently, I feel anxious, fearful of death, avoidant, and sort of dissociative. I feel angry at my brother but he didn’t do anything wrong. I just want to escape through any means, whether that is to play bubble word jam (really fun game BTW), watch RuPaul’s drag race, or blog. Though, I have continued the tradition of eating BBL oatmeal every morning so that’s pretty rad. Plus, I shower at least every other day now, so that’s something too.
Don’t fret, I chose this for myself. My parents asked for me to take care of the six dogs while they’re in Jamaica and they’d pay me for it, so I accepted.
north star
My brother and I got into a discussion, or an argument (I never know since the guy’s voice is so loud and commanding) about going to college. He asked me what my plan was and I told him it was to continue doing art stuff. He told me that doing a degree in fine arts it a waste (he actually said something more neutral I think, but I subconsciously convoluted the truth since I perceived it as an attack) and I should find something else to do alongside art that would be more aligned with what the world actually needs like engineering or healthcare. I told him that many jobs require the base of a college degree, so my goal is simply just to get a college degree and the easiest path for me to achieve this end is to do creative things. He told me that I enjoy doing art stuff right now, but I might not enjoy it five years in the future, so it’d be better if I were heading toward a goal. I told him that exploration is an important part of going to college, or really any context of goal-making. This was a sort of tangential conversation.
Anyway, this did get me thinking “what is my north star?” And I’d have to say it is to make my demon apocalypse comic. I think it’s gonna be really great, but it might take more than four years for it to be to my liking. Primarily, I have to learn how to draw. I don’t really know how to draw honestly, and I want to draw like those Chinese people who make anime girls holding guns. It might take me twenty years, but I think I’ll get there eventually. I’m really excited about it. Though, I do need to find a way to do creative stuff but also be independent which means I need to find a sustainable job. So, in this regard my brother is right. I don’t have many hopes to find a job in a creative field. Maybe when I continue doing art and stuff in college I’ll find a way, but I have no clue.
Blog, I notice I feel sort of like a d-bag around my brother, but I think it’s because he has not many positive things to say to me. He keeps calling me conceited and I don’t like that. I’ve been getting really mad at him and being sarcastic whenever he says something baby-leveled obvious but he think he’s the new-age Confucius or something like that. Anyway, I’m gonna figure out my goal for this week and Costco shopping list, so wish me luck! Remember, you always have love to give. We are all loving beings. Ok, bye.